The Last Shot Fired

The evening sky bears not a single cloud
You see not a single friend in the crowd
Would you still speak up?
Would you still stand up?
By a breaking rope hangs all your life
As the throat is all but slit by the knife
Would you still say no?
Won't you still let go?
They've stabbed and chewed and spat you out
They've walked all over you and left no doubt
Would you still raise the finger?
Let their words still linger?
You've bowed down to wrong all those years
And killed and bled, strangled by your fears
Would you care to break free?
Would you dare to set free?
When all that you've lived for is all given up
And all that you've won is up on the cards
Do you think it'd suffice?
Would you still throw the dice?
Life in the end, is a chance you've got
There's always a lesson yet to be taught
Would you watch it sink?
Have I got you to think?

Random

std 12 can really make ur life suck.. no, serious.. not jus sometimes that too.. and its not the studies or anything that im complaining about (im not even eligible but wat the hell, i like saying it) but the fact that every now and then all ur thoughts keep taking u weird places.. its always.. "shit, im not getting anywhere" to "i have to make it!" to "huh?!" and so on.. and it can get very irritating (and that doesnt include ur dad taking away ur cell fone every now and then for absurd reasons, even bill unrelated) but at the end of the day, its fun (yea i am jus saying it). so the whole "now im inspired" groove keeps coming (and going away). you jus have to cling on to it sometimes.
ok other than that, the bands gone. i mean, i couldnt make it through. im all solo now (lol..u could stop laughing now). so that dint work out too much either. 'Soulenoid' couldn't pay its electricity bills. hehe. made quite a few songs in the past few months, might even post some samples later. ok done for now. will keep updating this space. later!

Final attempt at momentary perfection

Struggling to survive
Yet reaping the benefits
Fighting the fear by quitting to fail

At last the sky is clear
At last the shoulder's come.

Isn't this where we came in?

Can I be handed a rose with a thorn
Or should I really be stabbed in the back?
Can I promise and break it?
Or should I really try to escape?
I’m told there’s no one to talk to
They tell me that.
The laughter hurts, you’re reliant
You’ll break your knees, fall on your face.
You’ll soon be through
You’ll get all you want

Can I jus play and play and listen or should I be told to stop?
Can’t I jus breathe without being told so?
Why the mountains? Why the seas?
Its all sand. It’ll change. It’ll seep
Remembering days on the beach
When I broke my sandcastles before the waves could touch them
But never made them far from the throat.

Smiles turn into silence and sleep
Death sees a deadline too
A composed mind is troubled most
Hold your breath, one more dive and you’re through.

Pick the burden from the beast
Don’t make it cry on your load.
I’m only your last cigarette
Go take that walk, I’ll come along
I’m swinging in the park
I’m coming down the slide
The ground defines my altitude
I’m still afraid to fly.

Plucking grass by the tracks, waiting.
Watching.
Trains come and pass over them
I’m anxious, tell me wat I wanna hear
Or I’ll break.
Ur probably pluckin flowers for me
That’s why its taking you this long
I’ll wait.

Wiping the chalkboard with wiped off bits falling on my head.
I’ll dust them off but they fell.
My remorse needs my shoulder
Its ironic. Now there’s one for each atleast.
I try not to think or expect
Weren’t they who got me my punishment on the chalkboard in the first place?

Is this the only way out?
Or am I just lookin for reasons to be stuck in?
Why cant I face the mirror?
I’m probably too afraid that its gonna stop reflecting.
I’m talking to too many walls any way.

I’m forgetful, as far as I can remember,
My footprints, I cherish.
My last goodbye, the occasional sound of a fire cracker,
I have become deaf to, unconditionally
I still see the light on the top
I’m still climbing
I’m still walking
I’m trying to get there fast
Will I ever reach the stars?

To Me.

Last night, i witnessed wat enlightenment is. its not necessarily gaining knowledge bout everything.. its more of gettin knowledge about things that u always thought had never existed. that is obviously wat i feel about it. last night was my own. i had slept enough, could not get ne sleep. i kno how it feels to keep lookin at the wall, not the ceiling mind you, and keep staring at it while things keep comin up and hitting u one by one.. i was cut off from the outside world (my cell was off, nothin much). today, i got a lot of messages and calls wen i switched it on again. ppl told me how worried they were and how they care and what was wrong with me and stuff like that. my landline dint ring the entire day. wat can i possibly make of it. its so funny.
wrote stuff down.
a poem to myself.
a page to remember. the picture is there after the song.

" Highlighting sorrow
or pain as you say you have
but i dont care neways
i stopped ages back

all you do is annoy me
its difficut coz of you
how much better it woud have been
if you had other things to do

you bother, you annoy
you'er just a trouble
a problem i should get rid off

you're a load on me
i'm sick of your talks
i have more important things to do

i try to understand you
but you are so messed up
all you care is about yourself
and why you're stuck

why dont u fit in?
why cant u just act normal?
why were u even born?
why just why this load upon us?"

and im popular. life's a joke and its proved time and again.

so really? is there neone? hehe. there is no one.

im jus awake cant remember my name..

i dun kno wats happening to me.. everythin seems to be jus fine, everythin prolly is.. and once again, its jus me. im faking my entire existence to be accepted.. i am a nice guy but ive had enough of it.. im exploding softly and im not enjoying a bit of it.

the fact that ive always been a disappointment is really hurting hard and the fact that i never got wat i really really wanted.. actually its worse, i always lost the things that were of utmost importance to me is adding to all the shit. im afraid of more.

"try to make a move jus to stay in the game, im jus awake cant remember my name.."

im not doing wat i shud and its pretty much pissing everyone off. im doin everythin that i like but no one seems to care. its not helping.

ive been tryin to hide all the shit thats ever been there but its all hittin me. where was i ever? where will i ever be? why do i have to be sad about everythings that messed up? why am i not happy bout all the good things that are happening around me? why is my head full of questions? why am i gettin dirty memories everytime i dun wanna think about it tho i havent ever in the past years.

everything is suddenly crumbling and im caught between all of it. people not liking me now is not hurting me. people liking me is not making me happy. im doin things i never thot i wud. everyones tryin but im not getting nething. i have not been speaking my mind and its all comin out now. i dun wanna think.

everyones fucked in the head. everythings gonna be alright.. everything will work out. i dunno wat, i dunno who. it doesnt even light a little fire of hope. it increases my faith in the people who genuinely care.

fuck im insane.

stupid people who rely on other stupid people for their sanity and bug them.

"what is wrong with me?
what do i think of me?"

she doesnt even want me to finish the post. hehe. kill me yaar. be happy. im a fuckin retard living with u sane people. all i want is everything to be my way. i never let ull do it ur way. im fuckin crazy.

"i will never bother you,
i will never promise to,
i will never follow you,
i will never bother you.

never speak a word again,
i will crawl away for good.

i will move away from here
u wont be afraid of fear
no thought was put into this
always knew it would come to this.

things have never been so swell,
i have never failed to fail.

pain!"

even self mutilation stopped working. i dont wanna think about shit. i dun wanna talk bout shit. i have goodbyed my blue sky a long time back. ill jus stick to this. its a phase. it'll pass. ur concern is really too much to take. im sorry. i dun love you nemore. ive lost it.
later!

nothin great

this one is not for first time readers.. if u are one, kindly move to later posts.. if u arent, im not stopping u either..

my blog has turned into my online magazine sort of a thing.. i post twice a month, i post only the most commendable thing that ive written in the days before i posted it and i expect comments.
i dont believe in publicizing my life but then there are a lot of things i realize as i keep moving on that i think i shud let others read about..

one more reason why i stopped posting extensively.. (yea relatively.. dont make a fuss about it now) is that i got deleted from orkut and they wont let me use the same id again. so i cant post on orkut and the blog at the same time..

its holi today.. im more excited bout the lunar eclipse tonight. i jus went down with my dad (and like a very few instances in my life, i was there before ne one else..) spoke to veeta for sometime. it was amazing looking at the fire. i never realized the beauty of a burning pile of woods before..

met my school friends. played footie again with them after a really long time.. they play, i dont go. it was fun. after that me, vipin and tittu were sitting and playin my guitar. after a really long time, someone actually enjoyed me playing it. i was very happy.

yea im bored now. go ahead. do ur work. u cud also go thru the other posts. they are not like this tho. i jus wanted to get rid of the fear of writing and posting shit on my blog. now its officially gone. thanks. no wait.. aah nevermind.